An exercise in self reflection.

Whom can I accuse, of whom revenge demand,
When I have borne deep suffering at my own hand?

Other hearts have held hatred for me,
But my own heart hates me more than anyone knows.

My body bears the wounds of relentless foes,
But none can match my self-inflicted wounds.

I have been seduced for my destruction
But none have lured me than my own eyes.

I have been burned by countless fires,
But none compare to the heat of my desires.

In traps I've been ensnared by old and young,
But none have trapped me better than my tongue.

Bandits have pursued me, fast and fleet,
But none pursue me faster than my feet.

Pain overwhelms me, but no pain more than my rebellion.
Anguish increases, but never faster than transgression.

Whom can I blame, how can I function,
When I am the source of my own destruction?

I seek shelter for my soul, which you alone did fashion,
For You, our God and King, are enthroned upon compassion.

(thanks for putting this online rabbi)

"Al Chet"- some thoughts

To begin I feel I should mention that I try to think about what I feel bad about daily. Not in a Jewish guilt way, but in a more Zen way- what went wrong with my actions today and how can I change my behaviors to reflect what I believe is a right way of living?

I found an interesting meditation online. When I sit alone in shul I don't know if I spend enough time thinking about the meaning behind the prayers. Especially on a day like Yom Kippur where I am supposed to be meditating upon my past year and the events that have occurred and how I can be a better person this year. I am confused by the fact that I am feel that I am more fruitfully reflecting on my misgivings about the past year while blogging this. I grew up in a traditional family, went to temple, went to day school and yeshiva. Why have I grown so alienated from that life?*

#29 intrigues me- For the mistakes we committed before You with eye movements.
Now this is something that does not necessarily come to mind when I think about the concept of sinning.

#38 or the mistakes we committed before You by being stiff-necked
\Guilty as charged. I can be stubborn and usually know when I am being like that...not that it stops me. This is something I am trying to change about myself. However, stubborn can also equal determined. I am trying to learn how to balance the two.

#44 For the mistakes we committed before You through confusion of the heart
My heart certainly has been confused lately. New job, new place to move into...it's scary leaving my old life behind, even if I am only moving an hour away. I hope, within my heart, that the choices I am making (and have made) regarding this transition in my life are the correct ones for me.





*But I suppose that's a much longer, philosophical question for another time.